Sorting through the clouds in my mind

Sometimes I get an overwhelming feeling that God has his hands on my shoulders.

I’m afraid what will happen to me if he kisses me.

(It feels like the same fear that I had right before I went to Haiti.)

I am silent often. I have so many words inside though.

That means a lot to me.

I don’t tell him how I feel… and he doesn’t need me to.

It makes me feel at peace to know that:

I don’t have to try to convince him.

I don’t have to try to charm him.

I’m just myself, and he is just himself.

Somehow, it translates to amazing.

This is real.

I sent a card and that prismacolor drawing out in the mail for Becky today. It’s her birthday on the 6th. I hope she cherishes it.

Whenever I think of that day on tour, I am amazed. Our cares left us and we just loved nature. It was such a great adventure.

I want to do an art project about Boneyard Beach sometime.

I’m a little stressed out. I’m not comfortable with everything being planned out so far ahead. It makes me worry and think about it too much. There’s too much going on in November.

I know I sound like I’m afraid of commitment. Maybe I ought to embrace that instead of denying it. There’s not much wrong with it.

I just don’t like to admit that I have baggage that I still carry around from some dude that didn’t appreciate my goodness. I feel like I’m carrying around a parasite, and haunted by a memory that tears me down. The risk of love is worth it… but now I’m still dealing with all the trust issues that come from being rejected. I wasn’t just rejected because of some disagreement or trivial matter. I was pushed away because my deeply-rooted personality characteristics were “annoying.” I’ve been through a lot to become the woman that I am today. I love those qualities, and I’ve nurtured those things, for many years, to grow in me. It’s painful to see them be cut down.

I always want to be a girl that can just brush things off and keep going. It’s not even possible to go through life unaffected by the world. How stupid of me to hold myself to such a high, unreachable standard.

I want to allow myself to be loved. I want to trust with all my heart. I want to feel that awesome calm that comes from loving unconditionally. That is the best. There’s no worrying. No hesitating. No games. It’s simple, yet overflowing.

There’s something that keeps this desire and passion in my heart. I’m going to be a great wife and mother someday…. and that day, I know, is part of a plan that I’ll never quite be able to figure all out.

I want to be okay with that. I’m searching for that calm before I commit to something again.